Monday, October 31, 2005

I Want to Die

The following is neither gruesome nor depressing. Give it a try.

I want to die on a hot day, a day in August when the temperature is 110 degrees and there's no breeze. I want it to be an energy sapping day when everyone is dozing in the shade so no one will notice when I slip away. No notice, no grieving, no sadness. Perhaps in the Fall when it begins to cool someone will say "Whatever happened to Paul? I haven't seen him in a while." When they realize I'm gone it will be fine if they begin to talk and joke and laugh about some of the dumb-assed things I've done. Then, in the end, if one person, just one, says "I'm going to miss him", that will be enough grief.

I want to die when I see it coming. No sudden accident for me or silent stroke in my sleep. I want to see it coming with enough time to do a few last things. When young I wanted time to say to a few people "kiss my ass", but those days are long gone. I’m sure some people call me enemy but I have no enemies. Enemies are burdens and distractions for which I have no time. There's too much living to be experienced.

I want to see my death coming because I want time to say one more time to my first wife "I'm sorry. I wish it had been different. Forgive me and forgive yourself." I want time to make sure my children know "Thank you for enriching my life, for teaching me how to love, for helping make me who I am. Overlook my mistakes and faults and hold on to the good memories." I want time to repeat to a special friend "Thank you for helping me through the darkest period of my life. You taught me and encouraged me and helped me when I needed it most."

I want time to say one last time to my wife "My life has been wonderful because you shared your life with me. I would brave any challenge, endure any pain, suffer any hardship to share our lives together once again. I may die but my love for you won’t."

I hope and expect to live many more years. I probably won't have the blessing of choosing the time and details of my death. For this reason, I try to live each moment as if it's the last. If this moment is my last I say "It hasn't been perfect, sometimes it was painful, sometimes it was a struggle but it has been good and rich and wonderful! It’s been a life that I haven’t deserved or created. It has been a gift from God, a gift of overwhelming grace. I am thankful.”


Blogger Anvilcloud said...

I think you're spot on at the end, about living each day. For when the ends times approach I have seen that people can still put things off and off, until it is too late. Even at the gates of death.

11/01/2005 09:48:00 AM  
Blogger utenzi said...

Your post shows a very healthy attitude towards life. I congratulate you. For me, however, I want to go in my sleep and hopefully with an empty bladder etc. I like the idea of being tidy at the end--so to speak.

11/01/2005 01:25:00 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

I tried to respond to your email. I have not found a way that works so will use this venue.

Check out the ecological research campus that we are building at
You can find my email address there under PEOPLE.
Like the rest of the project, the website is still a work in progress.
Have fun.

11/01/2005 08:58:00 PM  

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